Valar morghulis, Rigor Mortis
by Musicat
Summary: In which Jon tries to have a private conversation with his maester and keeps getting interrupted... "A postmortem priapism is an indicator that death was likely swift and violent" - Wikipedia.
**_Valar morghulis, Rigor Mortis_**

"Sam, a moment please," asked Jon, discretely gesturing for his maester to follow him, before slowly making his way up to what had been Mormont's rooms when he was Lord Commander of the Watch. Oddly enough, now that he did not consider himself a black brother he finally felt like he truly deserved those rooms. Plus he wanted a private place for the conversation he was not looking forward to having with Sam.

"You just killed the Great Other Jon, thanks to you I have a life to spare moments from," stuttered Sam as he trudged up the stairs behind Jon. "I wanted to make sure you were okay anyway," Sam added as Jon carefully hung Lightbringer up on the wall. It stayed there for only a moment before Jon picked it up and hung it around his waist. He did not need to leave weapons lying around for someone to stab him in the back with. Today he was being celebrated as their savior. But tomorrow he would be just another player in a game he could care less about.

"Have you been injured?" asked Sam, alarmed by Jon's silence and brooding. Though really by know he should have realized this was Jon's norm.

"Thanks, Sam. I'm fine. Well, not really actually. But given the situation….. Through, there is this one thing. I just, I've been gone so long North of the Wall and all that mattered was being able to ride Rhaegal and figure out how to defeat the Great Other with Bran. With all of that going on I never got to make any inquiries, into how exactly everything happened when I came back."

"What do you mean Jon?"

"When I came back, I don't really know how that happened," stammered Jon, his face turning red for reasons that Sam could not fathom. It was perfectly understandable that Jon would have questions about his resurrection.

"Oh, well, I'm not entirely sure Jon, I wasn't here at the time. But I think, well just a second, I think I know someone who knows more than I do about it."

Before Jon could call Sam back, he had ran out the door to summon who knows who. Leave it to Sam to be fast the one time you didn't want him to be. Jon paced up and down the room, he would have preferred not to involve anyone else in his inquiries but he did want to know.

"Ah, our saviour," quipped Tyrion as he waddled into the room smiling ghoulishly.

"You survived?" asked Jon, truly surprised to see the Imp after everything, and his mind flashed quickly to the time so long ago when he first traveled to the wall. When he only hoped to find a place where a bastard could fit.

"Nice to see you too," greeted Tyrion, in his typical sarcastic tone though his words were genuine.

"When the dragons died, were Jamie and Danaerys okay?" Jon finally thought to ask when he saw Tyron. If Danaerys wasn't okay, then, well, the second issue really was less of an issue. And if anything happened to her, it was on him. Rhaegal had just landed him at the Great Other's feet when Jon had turned around and stabbed him with Lightbringer. Rhaegal burst into so many colors as he drew out the flaming sword. He had not known that the wights and other dragons would also fall with that one act, or he would have warned them beforehand. But he himself had not known, not until Bran had told him and that was moments before the act. Until the day he died Jon would never forget the image of Hodor running at the Great Other yelling "Kill the dragon!"

"I have not seen them yet," replied Tyrion. "But I have a feeling that is not the reason you summoned me up 3 flights of stairs."

Jon shook his head in the negative. "I was wondering about how I came back."

"Ah, yes, the resurrection of Jon Snow. Well, very curious thing. From what I've been able to surmise your body was stored in the ice cells in the bottom of the wall for quite some time. The red woman would not let them burn you or desecrate the body in any way. They assumed that she was saving that sacrifice for when Stannis marched on Winterfell. A man with the blood of the Kings of Winter would be a good sacrifice to claim Winterfell – of course that only makes sense if you weren't already dead – but people make up things to explain the unusual."

Jon nodded.

"According to the wildlings she spent a lot of time looking for that beast of yours. When she finally found him, well, I've heard it was not long between when she finally caught him and when Jamie, Danaerys and I showed up."

Sam nodded in agreement to this statement as Val has said she had heard a wolf howling not long before the dragon's roar.

"I dearly wanted to be a dragon rider Jon, but that green dragon of yours would not take me. Drogo accepted Dany, to my shock Viserion accepted Jamie but they both rejected me with a huff of hot air. I had to ride behind my brother, though I suppose that could be called into question. But I digress…"

Jon nodded for Tyrion to continue.

"Rhaegal got there before the other dragons, so I did not see what happened, as we were still very far off. But what eye witnesses have told me is the red woman was doing something to you and something to your wolf and in the middle of it Rhaegal bit off her head and ate her."

A creak came from the doorway, and all eyes went from Tyrion to the tall gangly man in the doorway.

"She was mumbling nonsense Jon. We wanted to stop her but we were scared. Then she slit the throat of your direwolf and the green dragon showed up and ate her before she could finish whatever she was doing."

Jon was shocked to see Theon standing in the doorway to his room. He knew that Theon and Sansa had arrived at the wall, but he had not expected Theon to still be here. He had expected that Theon's self-preservation would have kicked in and he would be miles away before Jon returned.

"I apologize your Grace, I should not have been eavesdropping, I just came. I came, I came to…. well I know amends can never be made."

Jon looked at Theon gravely, "There are a lot of amends that need to be made that never can be. It does not matter today. Today I just want the truth. What was she saying, do you remember?"

"I'm sorry Jon, I don't. Sansa, she saw, when they killed Ghost, well, it was all I could do to keep her from screaming and alerting the red woman to our presence."

"Sansa?" asked Jon, looking at Theon hopefully. "I'm sorry Jon, she, she went out fighting, she even killed a white walker. She was a true Stark in every way."

"In ways that we will never be," Jon added, looking Theon in the eyes for a long time.

"Why the sudden curiosity?" asked Sam, not wanting to focus too long on the lost when the day was finally saved.

"Oh, no reason," muttered Jon his face reddening. This was not the time or place for the conversation he wished to have in privacy with his maester.

"That's not suspicious," countered Tyrion.

"Well, it's just, I did not come back all the way," Jon explained when he realized neither Sam, Tyrion or Theon were budging from his room anytime soon. It did not occur to him that he could have tried giving them a royal order to do so.

"What do you mean?" asked Sam.

"I think, I think that the Red Woman not finishing what she was doing had some consequences. I mean, not all parts of me, came back normally."

"What parts?" asked Tyrion, earning him a long stare from Jon.

"The parts that make a man a man," Jon finally stammered, damning them all for making him say it.

Theon nodded at Jon empathetically while Tyrion mumbled, "and they call me the halfman." Sam only blushed.

"That's unfortunate," Tyrion finally replied.

"When you say they didn't come back properly, what do you mean Jon?" asked Sam, clearing his throat. It was not seemly for a citadel trained maester not to be able to speak of these things without feeling like a clueless virgin.

"I mean, well, rigor mortis sort of set in and, well, it's still there, but…."

"Not functional?" asked Tyrion, his heart going out to the poor sod. To survive death, save humanity only to lose your manhood?

"No, I mean, I don't know, I haven't tried it out, I mean, I've been busy with other things," stammered Jon. "I mean, I can, urinate and such. It's just. It's just. It's"

"What?" asked Sam, gesturing for Jon to finish his thought.

"Rock hard and cold," he hissed out finally, not looking at any of them.

"I'd take that," mumbled Theon while Sam and Tyrion gaped at Jon.

"What the hell?" came a voice suddenly from the hallway, and moments later Stormborn barged into the room.

"Jon Targaryen how dare you!" she hissed, looking a little too much like her father in the moment.

"Daenerys," he muttered, both relieved and petrified.

"I was riding Drogo and suddenly he bursts into a million pieces, and I'm only saved from certain death because I landed in 2 feet of snow, and I've had to walk all the way back to be told that you killed them, you killed our dragons? And you're here just having a tea party?"

"He saved us form the Great Other Daenerys, give the boy a break," countered Tyrion, seeing everyone else could only gap at her presence. "Hence the sunlight for the first time in days."

"I don't care he killed my dragons," she hissed now looking ready to murder them all as opposed to committing mass genocide.

"Well Jon, I think what might help your problem is a little fire and blood," smirked Sam as he walked out of the room, Theon close behind him.

Tyrion smiled knowingly at the two.

"What is that about?" asked Daenerys suspiciously, curiosity winning out over her anger.

"Oh nothing," smirked Tyrion, "But I think you might find despite his true heritage, with Jon, Winter is Always Coming."

The END

So I was in a good mood today, and my husband said something to the tone of, "you're just happy thinking about Jon Snow's resurrection, or is it his rigor mortis" and this is the product of that comment. 1 more day. :) :) :)


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